Bittersweet Moment
I’m sitting in the hospital going through my last round of chemo and all I can think about is how much has happened since December. Going from finding a lump in my chest to now finishing up chemo and hoping and praying that my Pet Scan is clear, so I am free to start healing from treatment.
Wednesday I will be ringing the bell signifying that I finished. That I will not have to come back in two weeks to go through this all again. Knowing I only have a couple more days has made this round more difficult. I’m so close but must finish the 6 bags of chemo to cross the finish line. I am looking forward to celebrating this milestone with my family as well as the wonderful nurses, PCA’s and other support staff that made this journey a little more endurable with their kindness and constant support. There were a couple times that I was ready to quit because it was hard, but, between the nurses and staff doing their best to spread positivity and my family constantly reaching out and checking on me made it so much easier. I have become close to the nurses and staff here. They have become friends to me. It will be so sad to say goodbye to them, but I will not miss them enough to wish to come back as a patient.
I am looking forward to being home with my kids and being able to say that I’m home to stay. No more having to say goodbye to them for five to six days. No more leaving them with family so my husband can come see me so I’m not alone at the hospital the whole time. No more missing out on moments with them and for them. I missed three of my kid’s birthdays because they happened while I was in the hospital. I understood why I had to miss them, but it didn’t make it any easier for me or for them.
I am nervous about the constant scans as any cancer survivor would be. There will be anxiety and stress surrounding each scan and bloodwork check. I am looking forward to having three months in between appointments. Less time at the doctors is a plus in my book. The doctors and nurses all told me that my hair will start growing back in a couple months. They aren’t sure that I was sent into menopause at the age of thirty-one because of the chemo. I was never worried about the loss of hair or the loss of my period. If my life is saved, then it’s all worth it to me. I get the chance to watch my kids grow up. I will do chemo a million times over and endure all that I’ve gone through in the last five and a half months if I get to watch them grow up and make a life for themselves.
I have been feeling so emotional about this week because it’s bittersweet that I am at the end. I have been feeling excited and impatient so I can say goodbye to this floor and hospital hopefully for good. I have put it out to the universe and manifested that I will not have to ever go through treatments again or be a patient anymore. I will be happy to walk out of this hospital knowing I am leaving this journey behind and starting a new journey living the life that I have been blessed to still have to live. The next two years will be a journey on its own. I have so many goals that I plan to reach in the next ten years. The best part is that this chemo treatment and two heart surgeries are giving me the opportunity to strive for and work towards all these goals.
Thank you all for sticking around to follow my journey. I hope you’ll stick around to see where I end up. It’s been nice to have the extra support and cheering and kind words.
