Feeling Frustrated
I went into my cancer journey knowing things were going to change drastically. Knowing from the start that my body was going to change. Knowing I was going to come out of this a changed person. What I didn’t anticipate was having to start from zero. Having to retrain my mind and body to do things that I was doing for years before all this happened. I also was told to do my best to stay healthy. I was told the symptoms to worry about that would require a hospital visit. I went away from my last treatment with naïve optimism of what the future would hold. My healing journey has been anything but easy and relaxing like I planned it to be.
My first weekend back home I caught a cold from my toddler. I am still fighting that cold as of today. It has been exactly 2 weeks and there is no sign of the cold departing. Luckily, I have had no reason to visit the hospital. Unfortunately, this cold has kicked my butt. I spent the first week of this sickness curled up on the couch. Last week, I tried to return to “normal” and the universe laughed in my face. The exhaustion and the feeling of my body being drained has been at an all time high. Being home with my toddler all day has been a chore. He’s a pretty easy going kid, but by the time I get my other 3 kids from school, I’m ready for bed. It is a struggle to make it to bed time.
I do my best to not show my kids how bad I’m feeling. They were traumatized enough when I told them I had cancer and would be undergoing treatment. They also watched me at my lowest when I was bed bound because moving hurt every where. Now that I’m done with treatment, I try to make it seem on the outside that I’m feeling great and everything is back to normal. The reality is that I’m exhausted and daily things take everything I have to do. One thing I was told over and over in the hospital was to keep moving. “Cancer doesn’t like oxygen”. I made sure I walked a lot when I was in the hospital and did my best to walk around my house a lot when I was home in between treatments. I challenged myself last week to walk a mile every day.
I got very frustrated with my body last week because that mile felt much longer than a mile. I had to force myself to not turn around and just give up. I went from being able to walk 5 plus miles at a time to barely being able to walk one. The body I trained so hard to be able to lift heavy weights and run miles now can barely walk a mile. I struggle walking stairs, can’t lift any weights, and get winded just from vacuuming my house. I now have to take breaks when I’m cleaning because my body is weak and tired. The amount of tears that I have shed because my body is broken down. I was able to go through my treatments with an optimistic outlook and a smile on my face. Now I’m realizing that the journey has really just begun.
My doctor did advise me that it would take about a year before I started feeling more like myself. He also warned me to allow my body the time to heal and recover. He knows I’m a runner and told me that I should wait the full year before trying to run. I did not realize how true all of those statements were. I thought that since I was very active up to the day I went to the hospital that I would be able to remind my body and go back to normal activities. I now realize that I have a long way to go. My mind and body needs to heal properly.
The frustration is still very much there when I struggle to focus on a book when I could read an entire book in a day before. When it takes me longer to add my score for Yahtzee. When I have to be careful about carrying heavy things in one hand or when holding my son because my hands have numbness and tingling and also shake. When I have errands to do and have to take a 30-minute break afterwards. The list goes on.
While I am thankful that I have this time with my family and being home, I still feel frustrated that I’m not the person I was before all this happened. So much has changed and now I must figure out who I am and where to go from here.
I realize this post is not all rainbows and unicorns, but I strive to be real and to share the good and the ugly so maybe someone who is going through something similar feels seen or to help those who have family going through something similar can understand how they may be feeling. Thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and send words of support and encouragement.
